ma pauvre, elle est très vieille

elle m'a dit: "il pleut dehors, mais ici, dans la maison, il fait le grand soleil." ...because i called her.

she said that her situation was cruel and called it torture. the thing is, i really agree with her. i avoid thinking about it because it's inconvenient, but every time i talk to her it hits me. here is this woman who cared for me and taught me to walk and speak. her only parisian family members just died, less than a year apart.

let me just say it was retarded of her not to get citizenship. she lived here for years and years... why?! oy.

she tells me the details of her life and they are so sad. it isn't so much what she says but the tone of her voice that shows you how lonely she is. not that she doesn't tell you how lonely she is. and i don't know what to say in response... how can you possibly comfort someone in that situation? so, against my better judgment, i tell her that i'm thinking of visiting her. which somehow turned into me going in march... because she wanted to know WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEEEEN OMG WHEEEEEEN!?!?!?!? it was like peek when you tell her she's going on a walk. so i definitely cannot back out of this one. so i guess i'm going in march? i need to come up with some money.

i hate money. it's what's standing in my way right now. if i didn't have that loan hanging over my head...