here again

my eyes don't feel like they're working properly. the solid outlines of things aren't coming through, and the lights are all too bright. and it all swirls in my head and makes me feel both sleepy and high.

it's 1:30 in the morning. i'm sitting in my driveway, and it's very cold. but out here, right now, it's the closest thing to total silence i can find tonight. there is a faint trickle of water from the sewer/gutter thing across the street. and every so often, a car drives by, just up the hill. but between those moments, i can think.

my life is at a standstill.

GO! go go go go go ... for years, i had a map. and i made all the appropriate, expected mistakes. but with every passing day, every time i put it off or make the wrong decision, i feel as though i've been taken out of the cycle. everyone, everything will continue and i'll just sit here. if i never find my way back and i spend every night on this driveway, nobody will miss me.

there are some birds chirping, too. wtf, birds? shouldn't you wait until there's light out?

i wish you were here. or you'd call. or write.

i can't tell if i'm making the right choice. if i'm doing right by me. of course i'm making the "right" choice.

i think about this all the time. but because we're seldom honest, i don't know how much of it is just me. projecting. pretending. miscalculating. (my ankle really hurts, what did i do to it?)

part of the problem: i don't believe you. surely there are others. me. come on, me?
i just think you love access.

yes... functional. reliable. i guess so. just there. responsibly. just there... but, you know? i get it. part of THIS (and i do mean ALL OF THIS RIGHT HERE) forever and ever and always has been, part of it means i get it. i'll step out of the way, adjust my expression before it bothers you.

because i get it. and this wall, this cold, exist
because i get it.

they (and me), they should just move. continue along, performing. peripheral. you can merge, but make sure you go unnoticed. superficial, but substantially so. and only some of us get it.

so here we go, doing this in chapters. no, episodes. NO! ROUNDS! like boxing. we do get good ones in on each other. we're brutal.

all the chaos, and cruelty, never mattered because you never asked because you never looked because you never knew you had to because all the while the dazzler held you. you see? superficial, but substantial.

AND I GET THAT.

but the one i have, don't think has seen. don't know the motive. laziness? exhaustion? confusion? surely this can't be all there is. and you... well, i still don't believe you.

it's getting really cold now. it's 1:49. i work tomorrow. you haven't called. i feel like sleeping out here. if i had a tent, i would. your warmth...

right now i'm thinking about the last time. it was so, so bad.

someone just drove by and slowed to a near dead-stop when they saw me. what the hell is she doing?

what the hell ARE you doing? are you going tomorrow? how about the 20th? when are you coming? all of you need to stop. it won't matter either way. i promise that nobody will notice if i'm not there tomorrow.

hello? i'm confident that somewhere there exists evidence that

NO

"confident" is a lie. maybe though you'll exist. right now i'm feeling like the only one.
every indication to the contrary is reaching and make believing and ignoring.
glossing over.
being dutiful.
i believe you called it "trying."

i know what i want to do but i'm just going to keep trying instead.