mini mes

so lately everyone has been trying to convince me that i want kids, that i should want kids or that i will at one point want kids.

i woke up to a voicemail telling me that i should have them. two nights ago i was accosted by several family members telling me that they don't believe i don't want kids and that someday (soon) i will change my mind. a friend was telling me that i won't know i want one until i'm knocked up (what?). the list goes on...

see, the first thing about all this is that it's all very condescending. all of you knowing what's best for me and me, silly me, being blind to the inevitable.

why does it upset people so much?

is it something about me? am i so amazingly cool that people can't believe i wouldn't want to reproduce?

or is it the idea of a female not wanting to have children... because we're the ones who are supposed to dream of the family life, the house, the kiddies running around? is it just completely unbelievable that a female not only doesn't want children but actually does not LIKE them?

and for the older generations, like my parents and my aunt and uncle, do they see it as an insult? like, here is this young brat completely rejecting the life we worked so hard to provide?

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i think the first very major problem is how much i hate children. ok, newborns are butt-ugly. and they scream and you have to wipe up their shit. it's disgusting. in restaurants, when someone has a screaming newborn, i want to kill it. and that's just five seconds of exposure. then once they're a litle bit older, they get kind of cute... until they start screaming and throwing up, then they're disgusting again.

then once they can talk... it's like, what the hell do you talk to a little kid about? they annoy me so much when they come tell me nonsense stories about shopping for toys and grandma's house.

then once they start school they get all hyperactive and dirty. elementary school kids are always dirty and smelly.



...then people always tell me that i'll feel differently once it's my own kid.

really? will i? or will i resent that kid so much for destroying my life?! there's this fantasy everyone holds about how much everyone loves their children. but really, there are lots of miserable parents with miserable, mistreated children out there because the parents didn't really want to have kids.

second of all, i have a little sister. god she grossed me out until she was much, much older. and i also have a little cousin... i couldn't stand him until he was like, 7 and had a personality.


...if i was saying all this about, say, dogs, people would say "whoa, she really shouldn't have a dog." and they'd be right. how come, then, once it's an actual baby i'm supposed to overcome all this?

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next, money. fun. work.

look, i don't know what i plan on doing for a career, but i do know that i plan on having one. and what's the thing that most commonly comes between a woman and her plans to be successful? "oh well, i was young and got married and had kids and then i had lots of responsibilities..."

...people always tell you life doesn't turn out the way you plan and how things change and yada yada. but provided that i don't suffer brain damage in a car crash, and provided that i don't have kids i need to worry about... i'll be here, with presence of mind and the ability to work hard to achieve something.

i'll be DAMNED if i turn into one of those girls who gives up everything to get some crappy job and take care of the kids. or one of those girls who keeps her career and hands the kid off to a nanny and never sees the kid. what's the point?

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then, once you have a kid, fun leaves. your identity leaves. you're no longer "roseline" with likes and dislikes, trips to wherever, always at a hockey game, staying up late and watching whatever... you know, the person you are. you can't just go out. you become "mom." moms look tired all the time, probably because they are tired all the time. moms rarely have time to go to the movies or go on trips or read or listen to a stack of new albums or any of that. moms do the family shopping, take the kids wherever they need to go, help with homework, clean and complain to fellow moms on the phone. really? is that appealing? yeah, it's selfish and i'm ok with that. having a kid essentially means signing your life away and turning into a servant to said kid for years and years. and if i really, really wanted a kid then maybe i'd be okay with that. but since i don't even want one in the first place... you see my point.

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also, it strikes me as incredibly vain and pointless to actually make your own kid. there are so many kids who need parents already in existence... like, what difference does it make that i grew my own?

when people try to convince me that i want kids, i tell them that maybe one day when i'm much older and bored, i'll adopt. maybe. but then they say no no no no no you have to have your own.

why? i don't care that it looks like me.

so why have a kid? purely just to further the bloodline? i thought the point was to love someone and like, complete your family life or some shit. why can't you do that with an adopted kid? why does it have to come out of my vagina?

so if having a kid is only really an option as long as it is biologically yours... i just don't get it. this world sucks. this world sucks hard. do i really want to make new people to be in it? i think the best thing would be to just like, get a kid that already exists.


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ok that's pretty much the end of my rant.

peace out.