a personal day

in an effort to stop avoiding my own thoughts, and also to keep a record of everything i'm bound to forget, i've decided to begin blogging again. i was a dedicated livejournalist back in the day, before myspace came along and persuaded me to change over. it's too casual, though, and i felt i couldn't really get too honest on there. we'll see how i fare with this journal.

i did absolutely nothing today. i didn't go to school and i didn't go to work and i slept until 4 pm. well, choppily. i woke up with every intention of going about my usual business, but after about a minute of trying to physically get out of bed, i was greeted by a newly familiar sense of nervousness. for the past week or so, i've been getting these nervous fits that completely take over me. it's this that clenches my stomach and makes my chest hurt. i've felt it on the first day of school or when you know someone is about to give you some really bad news. it's been gripping me at these really random, completely unscary moments. on the way to the copy room or while watching a kings game or after just waking up. i don't know what the hell is bothering me, but it's beginning to become rather problematic because i can't concentrate on anything but the nervous feeling.

which isn't to say i don't have theories as to what is going on. actually, i probably have a lot to be nervous about. but none of it, individually, feels so...huge. it's all a matter of managing my time and whatnot. i wish i could hire a manager for my life who would schedule everything and boss me around and force me to do the things i need to do.

but that isn't what's freaking me out. money or graduation or papers... those things only superficially worry me because deep down i know i can handle all of it.

it's something else. i had this weird epiphany weekend before last, that i don't really feel like getting into. but now i know he knows something is up and i can't bring myself to honestly lay into him, so i avoid. i'm afraid of what will inevitably follow such a chat. not just an end, but reminders of everything else that has no end.

which makes me think about what i know i'm talking about, and how i know that i've never had a chance to talk about what i know i'm talking about because it makes everyone so fucking uncomfortable.

...but that isn't the whole of what's freaking me out.

and instead of sharing, revealing, having a "fierce conversation" as prof kelly would suggest, i retreat. and i've been zipping my lips constantly, consistently, to the point where the vast majority of what is relevant, or even interesting, takes place only inside my head where it can't be judged and where i can't be held accountable. i'm sick of fighting and disappointing and discovering how those closest to me really see me. so it's just... hush. just don't say anything at all. it's easier and perhaps i'm more likable that way.

two recent example come to mind. where i said what i was actually thinking. and both times i wish i had not said anything at all. and so did they. because i'm easier to deal with when i'm invisible. because the points i raise are too difficult or too obnoxious to even consider. "ca suffi, petit fille."

but this has been a slow change, this silence, and surely can't be the cause of me feeling nuts this past week.

4:22 am and i'm still awake. i really should go to bed, even though i know i'll just lie there worrying. i can't ditch my life again tomorrow. class and stuff, you know. i really wish i could just cuddle with peekers and be in a new phase of my life. something simpler. where all the present complications have been dealt with already.

bonne nuit.